Not Long After
After posting my last blog I went downstairs and I was crying my eyes out for no particular reason only because I was releasing my own thoughts and feelings and seeing the reality of it all.
Anyway, I went downstairs and microwaved my dinner, I'm feeling really weak and I can only drag myself everywhere. My mother shouted at me for that saying that it had just come out the oven, even though it was stone cold. Then I sat down, still in tears and she started having a go. I then sort of blacked out in a way, and in that time I had thrown a glass of coca cola across the table, I hadn't actually realised I had done that. My mother said it was my temper, but people who know me know that I don't have a temper. I went upstairs with a pair of scissors ready to do something. I just sat in my room and cried my eyes out then went into the study and basically just fell to the floor and was crying my eyes out.
I went back downstairs, she carried on shouting so I went and sat on the floor and ate my dinner. Then she started shouting about something else and I was just taking it in, but, not, if you understand that. I then came upstairs with the house phone because Kate had rung before and I went on the net. Then she decided she was going to ring her mother, and started shouting. So I just shouted after her about how she liked making people feel like shit, liked making people hurt themselves, ruining peoples lives, taking a childhood away from people and making people try to commit suicide because it made her feel powerful.
Now, I'm writing this blog while being offline waiting till she's finished talking to my senile grandmother. I'm just sitting here. For the last year and a half all I can think of is death. I feel awful constantly. I want to die, constantly. I just don't know if I have the guts to try again, for the 5th time. It's ridiculous, I'm ridiculous. I just want to leave the world, leave everything behind, leave my mother behind. Get her to go away and never return, I may be happy then, I may not. But there's no way of finding out. A life altering decision is the only way I'll find out anything.
I'm thinking of going in tomorrow on my day off college to go see the coucellor, just because I need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I just feel awful, weak, stupid, lifeless. What do I do? I just don't know.
For fucks sake, just rang up a health line about a girly problem I have and I've been told to go straight to A&E or I could go in shock, become anaemic or something and black out. I'm too scared to go though :(
Anyway, I went downstairs and microwaved my dinner, I'm feeling really weak and I can only drag myself everywhere. My mother shouted at me for that saying that it had just come out the oven, even though it was stone cold. Then I sat down, still in tears and she started having a go. I then sort of blacked out in a way, and in that time I had thrown a glass of coca cola across the table, I hadn't actually realised I had done that. My mother said it was my temper, but people who know me know that I don't have a temper. I went upstairs with a pair of scissors ready to do something. I just sat in my room and cried my eyes out then went into the study and basically just fell to the floor and was crying my eyes out.
I went back downstairs, she carried on shouting so I went and sat on the floor and ate my dinner. Then she started shouting about something else and I was just taking it in, but, not, if you understand that. I then came upstairs with the house phone because Kate had rung before and I went on the net. Then she decided she was going to ring her mother, and started shouting. So I just shouted after her about how she liked making people feel like shit, liked making people hurt themselves, ruining peoples lives, taking a childhood away from people and making people try to commit suicide because it made her feel powerful.
Now, I'm writing this blog while being offline waiting till she's finished talking to my senile grandmother. I'm just sitting here. For the last year and a half all I can think of is death. I feel awful constantly. I want to die, constantly. I just don't know if I have the guts to try again, for the 5th time. It's ridiculous, I'm ridiculous. I just want to leave the world, leave everything behind, leave my mother behind. Get her to go away and never return, I may be happy then, I may not. But there's no way of finding out. A life altering decision is the only way I'll find out anything.
I'm thinking of going in tomorrow on my day off college to go see the coucellor, just because I need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I just feel awful, weak, stupid, lifeless. What do I do? I just don't know.
For fucks sake, just rang up a health line about a girly problem I have and I've been told to go straight to A&E or I could go in shock, become anaemic or something and black out. I'm too scared to go though :(
posted by Sara at 4:49 am
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