I would like to be informed on why I feel like this, why do I feel so upset, saddened? Why does my body feel dull; like all my organs are shutting down like I've took too many paracetomol?
Why can't I just forget the past and the present and look to the future?
The past is the past, I'm not going to dwell on it, in another's opinion I may not have had a childhood but I can't turn back time and create one for myself. I can't change it, but why does there still feel like an empty space inside? Something that is missing from me, from my life, from what people should have, a necessity for life. My mother is who she is, even turning back time can't change her, what she's done, what she let happen. I can no longer change anything so why do I desperately try? It'll all be the same, over again, I was not and still am not powerful enough to make a difference.
The present is now. I could if I had more power to change my life now. But, still, I can't change my mother. She is the same evil, twisted person she was when I was born 17 years ago. She loses friends like she changes her socks. She is still there, as critical as ever. I can't change her, but can I still change my life? She goes on about a job, but, it won't make any difference, it'd just either be used for my own material possessions, it can't change anything about me, except, to make me feel worse. To add on stress. I can't cope as it is, so how will that help? Sometimes I think she does it because she wants to kill me off. I think she hates me so much that she wants to kill me off. She wants me to struggle, to hate myself, to not enjoy life. I had to grow up from an early age, I coped with things my way but yet again people got involved and changed that, I can't even cope with things without people changing anything. In my mind now, my mother wants to me go, and some days, I feel I should, do what I feel she wants me to do.
The future is to look forward to. I can grow and adjust to other things. But, I fear as I do grow older my past will still play with my mind. It'll never go, I can't get rid of memories that have affected me for years. But why? Why can't somebody just come, whisk me off my feet and elimate all bad from my memories and my life? Why can't somebody be my hero?
I still cry, up to 8 times a day, over nothing hardly. But my past still affects me, I can;t get rid of anything that is affecting me badly, I'm stuck. Sometimes, I wish my mother would vanish, as she does me. I would be myself, an individual, I'd have freedom from one of the biggest problems in my life. It will not happen before I'm 18, not unless it happens in the next year. Everything gets me down, seeing family's together makes me crave it all. I crave a family, with it's sibling rivalry, it's parents which despite argueing still love each other as much as they ever did. I want a family life, to feel loved, still. I hate to say it but I craze presents too. My friend was showing me all the presents her family had got her for this christmas and I wanted to cry. I won't get anything this christmas. My mother has spent her christmas money on my family and Colin. She's bought lots of nice things for Colin. I, however, will recieve nothing but hatred from her. We'll be at Colin's on christmas day, she'll be the same, shooing me away, telling me to go away, I'm in the way, a waste of space as always. I'll recieve some free gift she got in a 3 for 2 or the video camera she got free with her new mobile phone. I feel like crying so much when I know people will be all happy with their families. I'm going to be alone, mentally and physically. I'll be sitting somewhere feeling like I have no one to speak to, like I'm in the middle of the Sahara desert. It'll be me, myself and my thought that control my mind.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to end my life and cut it short. This post may be long and boring to you, but to me, it'll help get things off my chest.
I know these are all rhetorical questions, I just wish something could tell me the answers.
Why can't I just forget the past and the present and look to the future?
The past is the past, I'm not going to dwell on it, in another's opinion I may not have had a childhood but I can't turn back time and create one for myself. I can't change it, but why does there still feel like an empty space inside? Something that is missing from me, from my life, from what people should have, a necessity for life. My mother is who she is, even turning back time can't change her, what she's done, what she let happen. I can no longer change anything so why do I desperately try? It'll all be the same, over again, I was not and still am not powerful enough to make a difference.
The present is now. I could if I had more power to change my life now. But, still, I can't change my mother. She is the same evil, twisted person she was when I was born 17 years ago. She loses friends like she changes her socks. She is still there, as critical as ever. I can't change her, but can I still change my life? She goes on about a job, but, it won't make any difference, it'd just either be used for my own material possessions, it can't change anything about me, except, to make me feel worse. To add on stress. I can't cope as it is, so how will that help? Sometimes I think she does it because she wants to kill me off. I think she hates me so much that she wants to kill me off. She wants me to struggle, to hate myself, to not enjoy life. I had to grow up from an early age, I coped with things my way but yet again people got involved and changed that, I can't even cope with things without people changing anything. In my mind now, my mother wants to me go, and some days, I feel I should, do what I feel she wants me to do.
The future is to look forward to. I can grow and adjust to other things. But, I fear as I do grow older my past will still play with my mind. It'll never go, I can't get rid of memories that have affected me for years. But why? Why can't somebody just come, whisk me off my feet and elimate all bad from my memories and my life? Why can't somebody be my hero?
I still cry, up to 8 times a day, over nothing hardly. But my past still affects me, I can;t get rid of anything that is affecting me badly, I'm stuck. Sometimes, I wish my mother would vanish, as she does me. I would be myself, an individual, I'd have freedom from one of the biggest problems in my life. It will not happen before I'm 18, not unless it happens in the next year. Everything gets me down, seeing family's together makes me crave it all. I crave a family, with it's sibling rivalry, it's parents which despite argueing still love each other as much as they ever did. I want a family life, to feel loved, still. I hate to say it but I craze presents too. My friend was showing me all the presents her family had got her for this christmas and I wanted to cry. I won't get anything this christmas. My mother has spent her christmas money on my family and Colin. She's bought lots of nice things for Colin. I, however, will recieve nothing but hatred from her. We'll be at Colin's on christmas day, she'll be the same, shooing me away, telling me to go away, I'm in the way, a waste of space as always. I'll recieve some free gift she got in a 3 for 2 or the video camera she got free with her new mobile phone. I feel like crying so much when I know people will be all happy with their families. I'm going to be alone, mentally and physically. I'll be sitting somewhere feeling like I have no one to speak to, like I'm in the middle of the Sahara desert. It'll be me, myself and my thought that control my mind.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to end my life and cut it short. This post may be long and boring to you, but to me, it'll help get things off my chest.
I know these are all rhetorical questions, I just wish something could tell me the answers.
posted by Sara at 3:21 am
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