Well the past few days have been weird. Managed to wind Joe and Kate up to fuck, highly amusing yet felt a tad cruel afterwards. But it was amusing. Anyway, yesterday I came back from Shaun's still full of flu and dying in the morning and saw my mother looking happy and I thought to myself this is totally unlike her seen as she's just been in hospital for aggges. Anyway, she gave me a hug and told me she missed me. It was at this point I realised how drugged up she is. She then told me she had planned to kill herself, it was bad enough hearing she was in hospital, that fucked my head up. I was there crying my eyes out when I was at Shaun's when I heard she was ill enough to be hospital worthy, which got me angry which made me lash out at Kate and Joe which I shouldn't have but totally helped me in the short run. Anyway, I heard she was going to kill herself and then I was like woah, I didn't realise I was such a shit child. Anyway, my mother just acts like she's stoned constantly and it's pretty scary. She told me to stay off college until next week when she can be certain my flu's definately gone. Ben has told people he's seen me downtown though but he can't of cause I've been in bed all ill for a week and a half and the half a week before that I had a black eye and refused to leave the house. Now people think I'm not ill and I'm faking it, pfft, if you could seen the comotion that happened at like 3 in the morning a few days ago. I couldn't breathe cause my windpipe was blocked and the NHS was called and they wanted me to go to Burnley General and I was like yeah like I can get there, well it wasn't me who rang, it was Shaun and so they came to me. I wasn't given some funky little pills and examined, it helped really quickly and I could breathe again. Anyway, people like erm KATE who said I wasn't ill and could easily go into college can get lost, even the doctor told me not to go in till it's completely gone so no it wasn't ok to just waltz in to college and no I can't help it if I became ill at all cause like it's all my fault.

Anyway now my mother has gone to take Colin to hospital because he has a disease which means his mind is deteriorating and which means he's getting slower everytime. She's sleeping there tonight so I'm going to Shaun's cause he's going to hospital in London on Wednesday and so I'll make sure he's ok. Is it any wonder it all gets on top of me, my mother has MS which means she can get really bad and I know it's not her fault but it's really stressful and she gets to the point of suicide, my ex step dad has a disease which means he really isn't who he used to be and you have to be patient, a grandmother who has dementia which is really difficult on everyone emotionally, I try and stay strong for my mother and aunty cause it's their mother. Why does everyone have to be ill, it's not good at all. Course I'm going to get stressed over it, it's like everyone around me is dying off.

That's it really. My life isn't wonderful at the moment, it isn't really bad like it has been though. Hopefully I'll be well again soon so I can go back to college and get on with doing something insted of being stuck doing nothing. Then it should be ok again. Hopefully my mother won't get so bad as to try suicide and that everyone won't take everything the wrong way as they always tend on doing. They'll pick something out and start ranting and raving about it and being a tosser, well don't bother. If you have any heart you'll see what has been written and leave it. I don't seen your mother about to kill herself with your perfect family all in a mess. Your life isn't as bad as you make out it is. Mine definately isn't as bad, mine's sorting itself out from what it was, soon it'll be ok again. But as well as me, my mother needs to get her head sorted out and when we've moved we need to sort our lives out again. I'm not looking forward to moving, I hate moving in fact, it's just annoying and it screws everything up. If it screws it all up again I don't know how I'll end up coping. Why can't I just stay in one place. Anyway, I know a few people that will be happy I won't be living near them, they'll see it as a way to get away from me, yeah well you got what you want.

xXx